Guilt...

I was having a conversation this morning at my annual checkup with my Midwife.  She was relaying her feelings of guilt for having passed on the breast cancer gene to her daughter.  And, it made me think about all the guilt a person feels as a mother or father.  You know, they don't tell you about that in the "What to Expect.." book.  They don't tell you that every time you think about doing something for yourself, that you'll feel a twinge of guilt in denying your children "something" in order to do that.  Or that every decision you make for the rest of your life will impact little pieces of your heart that walk around outside your body.

• I need to go to the gym this afternoon.  But, then I can't pick up TheBoy from school.
• I really want to read that new bestseller.  But, then I won't be reading to my kids during that time.
• I could stay up late after the kids are in bed to read said bestseller, but then I'll be tired in the morning - and testy with the kids.
• I need 15 minutes when I get home from work to decompress, change my clothes, pee.  But, the kids are excited to see me and want to overwhelm me with their chatter.  (Which, by the way, I WANT to hear...I just have information overload at that point and need a few minutes to let.it.go. before I have the brain capacity to take more in.)

I could add to that list for days.  It's always something.  I read this gut wrenching post by Gabby's daddy and I know that he (and her mommy) are feeling this guilt to the nth degree.  He says he told her, "I'm sorry."  This poor man feels guilty for not being able to do the impossible...save her.  I never met Gabby, but even *I* feel guilty that *I* couldn't do something to save her because when I look into they eyes of my 4 year old, all of his feelings flash through my brain, my heart, my soul.  I know they're not my feelings to feel - and THAT makes me feel guilty.  I know that I should not let it affect me like I do - and THAT makes me feel guilty because I have the option of "turning it off".  They - and so many others - do not have that option.

So, I hug and kiss my kids more often and with more meaning.  You should do the same.